Rabbi's Blog

A person asked their rabbi, "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" To which the rabbi replied, "Nu, how should we answer?" 

Jews are much more into open ended questions than specific answers. We teach our youngest kids to recite four questions at the Passover Seder. We then take 3 hours to answer them. Open up a Talmud, and the first thing you find is a question, and then thousands more questions, but rarely a final answer. Isadore Rabi, Jewish Nobel Laureate in Physics, once explained that he became a scientist because most mothers asked their children, “Did you learn anything in school today?’ But his mother asked, “Did you ask a good question today?”

So over these 10 Days of Awe, I ask us to reflect on Hillel’s timeless questions from the first century, questions that don’t have one set answer or even one set meaning, but which are open enough to guide us over a lifetime:

אם אין אני לי מי לי?            If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

וכשאני לעצמי מה אני?         And if I am just for myself, what am I?

ואם לא עכשו אימתי?            And if not now, when?

The first question, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” can be understood in several ways. Classic commentators like Maimonides and Bartenura interpreted this first question to be, not about the self, but about taking personal responsibility for learning Torah and doing Mitzvot. Today many understand it as self-care. Even if we are dedicated to helping others, we may become burned out if we don’t maintain healthy boundaries and self-respect. For parents, caregivers and people in helping roles this can be easier said than done, but taking care of oneself physically, emotionally, and spiritually is the foundation for being able to help others and fulfill our communal responsibilities.

For me the most remarkable feature of this first question is that it was expressed two millennia ago. Hillel was asking about the “I” and “being for myself,” in an ancient society that valued community above individualism. In the first century of the Common Era, Hillel challenged his peers to be for themselves as individuals. The dignity of the individual has been an inherent part of Torah since the first person was created in the Divine Image and that image is found in every one of us.

But let’s question the question some more. In the Zen Buddhist tradition, repeatedly asking oneself cryptic questions or puzzlements called Koans is a practice designed to lead to spiritual breakthroughs. Hillel's questions can also be approached in that light, kind of like a Jewish Koan. If we sit with Hillel’s first question, we may begin to hear it in a different way: “If I’m not for myself…who will be for me?:

There are times in all of our lives when we are not able to be for ourselves. Times when we are depressed, burned out, or grieving. When we are ill and don’t have the energy. Who will be for us in those times? We can ask ourselves, who is for me when I’m not even “for myself.” Rabbi Marc Gelman says that we all need to consider who are our  those people on our “Hillel list,” and to show them appreciation. We all need to nurture relationships where we can be there for one another when we are low. Maybe it even includes some non-human beings, like animal companions.  Seaside member Anita Smulyan, calls such people her Mishkan, her holy sanctuary people. Preparing for her adult bat mitzvah last year, she realized that the sacrifices of the ancient Mishkan have been exchanged for the relationships that fill our current communities.

I know, it can be hard to ask for help when you are a giver. But as one of my grown kids wisely told me in a time of need, if we don’t accept help from others when we need it, we are stopping the cycle of giving. The Talmud recognizes that even the biggest givers sometimes need help. In Tractate Berachot, it tells one of my favorite stories, of Rabbi Yohanan, a gifted rabbi and healer. But when he falls ill and is suffering. he needs another colleague to come, extend a hand, and lift him up. The Talmud asks why such a miracle worker like Rabbi Yohanan couldn’t work his own miracle. “Because,” the sages respond, “the prisoner cannot free himself.” Giving and receiving help are a necessary and sacred cycle of life.

This takes us to Hillel’s second question: If am only for myself what am I?” On a simple level, the response is pretty obvious. If we are only living for ourselves, what is the meaning of our lives, what are we even? And how can we enjoy life without good relationships? Going back to that first unique individual, Adam: his first problem is loneliness. God says, “It’s not good for a person to be alone. I will make him a companion.” Along came Eve, and the rest is herstory.

The greatest curse of the pandemic, after the sickness and death, was the pervasive loneliness as many of us were physically separated from loved ones and friends for so long. Thankfully, we can be together again, but loneliness remains a big problem. We may be lonely after the loss of a partner, after moving to a new community, or even because working from home limits our daily interactions. Young people may be lonely because so many social interactions are online. Rabbi Marc Katz, who was my late aunt’s rabbi in New Jersey, wrote an excellent book, The Heart of Loneliness: How Jewish Wisdom Can Help You Cope and Find Comfort. He writes that loneliness is part of the human condition, part of the Jewish experience, and even, in some depictions, part of the Divine condition. When we realize that we are not alone in feeling lonely, we have actually taken the first step to connection in rediscovering friendship, community, and renewed joy in service to others.

Rabbi Katz explains that better than looking to alleviate our loneliness with more socialization, we can benefit by joining with others in common missions. That fits right in with our Seaside centering of Relational Judaism and a member-led community. Hillel himself might have liked to hear about modern studies showing that helping others boosts our mental and even physical health and can give us what is called a “helper’s high.” Researchers at Harvard University who performed a mega-study following the health outcomes of graduates and their offspring over 80 years, found that good quality relationships were the greatest predictors, not only of personal happiness, but even of health in many cases. Professor Robert Waldinger, study director, says the takeaway is that, “tending to your relationships is a form of self-care.”

But just as we looked deeper into Hillel’s first question as a kind of spiritual Koan, we can also look deeper into his second question. For this one it works even better in Hebrew. וכשאני לעצמי מה אני? In Hebrew we could also read it as, “And when I am by myself, what am I?”

Yes, relationships are primary. And it is often being by ourselves that we really get to know what we are. Solitude and loneliness are not the same. We can be in a crowded city and feel lonely, or walking on an empty beach and feel a connection to the entire world Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, a Hassidic Rebbe ,urged the spiritual practice of hitbodedut, secluding yourself in nature to pour out your heart to God. In today’s hyper-connected world, there is less and less room for meaningful solitude. I suggest adopting the modern Japanese practice of Shinrin Yoku, literally “forest bathing,” or what I like to call a Soul Stroll, getting outside to commune with Nature and with our inner lives. We can know ourselves better when we take the time for our favorite solo activities like meditation, journaling, gardening, artwork, or even nature photography 😊.  Find a holy hobby that brings you closer to knowing what you are, and take the time to do it. If not now, when? (More on that on Yom Kippur).

To sum up the many responses we can give to Hillel’s questions (, I turn to another great Jews. Albert Einstein embodies the paradox of Hillel’s questions. Although we look at him as one of the greatest minds in history, a singular genius, Einstein himself wrote that:

This High Holiday seasons, let us ask ourselves Hillel’s questions, Let us question the questions. And then, let us live by them, for ourselves and for one another.

Shanah Tovah and Shabbat Shalom!

Consider: Which of Hillel’s questions speaks to you this year and how will you respond?

------------------------------------

Yes, I did make some Barbie jokes at the beginning. After all, we were born the same year and both had Jewish mothers. And Bimah Barbie does exist out there; well Tefillin Barbie does.